This Is Not How It Should Be

It’s been a wile since I last posted anything. I’ve written plenty and just decided it wasn’t right. That’s why I’ve been gone so long. I was here, but not posting.

Depression has hit me pretty hard. Today… today I’m at an all time low. Today has been a combination of crushing depression and intense anger that isn’t aimed at anything in particular.

The depression is a combination of things. It’s been a long day. I’m tired. There’s something else there, though. Something I’ve kept to myself for the past week.

The anger is a combination of having too many people in the house today for too long. It’s also because it’s nearly 80 outside and the stove was on for half the day. My son is wide open and I can only handle so much when I spend all day every day with him. There’s something else here, too. The very same thing I’ve kept to myself.

You see, I’m not a fan of Christmas. It’s a traditional holiday for my family and not a religious one. We don’t pray before we eat. There is none of that crap. The kids open presents and the adults take pictures and all that good crap.

And there I go again. Getting angry. Remember, it’s really hot in the house.

All week I’ve listened to people I know make plans and talk about what they’re getting for other people. The stupid bastards have even dropped hints at what should get for them. I’ll give you a hint at what I got them all, in bulk. The first letter of the first word is N. The first letter of the second word is S. Not Shit. The very same thing they got me while expecting me to get something for them.

A friend of mine and my husband’s is in town. He was in basic training and has to go back in a few days. He’s staying with some other friends of ours that have talked about all the stuff they’re getting for him to take back with him. This has spurred my husband into talking about what he wants to get for our friend. This has pushed my anger and depression for the last week.

I get that he has things that he needs because they aren’t being supplied to him, I do, but this is pissing me off and making me so incredibly sad. I want to get him something, but it isn’t happening and if my husband decides to do it anyway… well, we’re gonna have some things to talk about.

The truth is we can’t afford to buy anything for someone else. We got lucky that we were able to get our son toys and books. I did not get anything. I couldn’t afford to get my husband anything. Notice I didn’t say that he didn’t get anything? Yeah. He got a $25 Gamestop gift card from the same friend we can’t get anything for. He got another one from a coworker.

I’m not gonna lie, it hurts that everyone always forgets me. This isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. It sucks, but that’s how it is. You would think I could deal with disappointment like this, but I honestly can’t. I dread someone telling me ‘We’ll see’ and acting like they got you something and it turning out to be nothing. I read into the way people act too much sometimes and hurt myself.

There is a bright spot today, at least. My son had a really good day. His smiles are contagious and chase the darkness away for a little while. At least his day was good. I can deal with the heartbreak a little better thanks to his smiles and laughs.


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